joy in today

In a matter of days i will see these beautiful eyes and be face to face with my daughter. i feel overwhelmed! Adoption has been on our hearts since we were children and we have been in the process of adoption for over 4 years. We have been praying for her since before she was born. Still i don't think i will believe any of this is real until after the court date or maybe even till we bring her home. i feel so undeservedly blessed by my God.

This time we will get to see her and have a court date but sadly .. and it is going to be sooooo hard... we will have to leave her there and wait another 4 to 6 weeks before we get go and pick her up and bring her home.

i am feeling everything this week... openly.... i had been in quite a sad pit or temper tantrum with my Father (the Almighty God) when i got the call that we were traveling. This news did perk me up tremendously. :)

But still there is a part of that is heavy and aching.... my sister is doing exceptionally well considering. Her mind is very clear and she hasn't had any major side effects from the whole brain radiation.  i am thankful for everyday with her and i see him extending her days... which is wonderful and an answer to prayer again!

The hard part is - i step toward the future (with the wonderful new little one in our home soon) and all Holly is allowed today. Part of me feels like it is unfair (i.e. - temper tantrum with God). Holly would have had 10 kids! She should be coming home from the hospital with baby number 5 not 60 tumors in the brain. i keep wanting this to go away... and maybe God will still do that. Who knows... i am asking HIM.

But as day by day goes on... i think i am seeing something.

Slight suffering is something i have kinda signed up for. i will hike the painful mountain, i will do natural childbirth, i will set aside modern conveniences and do it the hard way, even adoption is hard - and their are sufferings to come that our daughter and we will go through.

BUT i know with suffering comes wisdom, growth, and a reality of life  - that is something i want. Every time i hear a persecuted Christian talk or a missionary share -  i see something in them... something i want -it is as if they have died a little more to themselves...and as if Jesus is living more in them. As if they are filled more with HIM. Less of them more of Him.

To live is Christ and to die is gain. Phil. 1:21

i am seeing someone i love dearly die a little more to herself, her dreams of a bigger family, her dreams of seeing her children grow up and marry and seeing their children, even her hair, and her sleep is gone. i have dreamed with her all of my life. And now she doesn't get to anymore, not like we use to anyway.

She is dying to herself more daily but somehow her contentment with today is stronger. Despite her fatigue she is still homeschooling her kids... she is still getting up and doing things... she is still living... and fulling living, and happy and thankful for today. He is giving her Joy during the trial. I see Jesus more in her.

Suffering can be beautiful. Temper tantrums are not so beautiful.

God, help me to be content with your wonderful blessings of today, as Holly is, and joy in YOU through the sufferings and the blessings. 

life, it is but a breath

it has kind of been the most motivating verse for me over the years along with.. "To live is Christ and to die is gain." Phil. 1:21 

The beauty of life, though temporary it is, it doesn't end with your last breath. That is when it all begins - in a more amazing out of this world way than we can ever imagine.

i am in the midst of something unlike anything i have experienced. The most wonderful part of this "valley" is that my family and i are not alone. God has been showing me that HE is "Jehovah Shammah" as generations of His children over thousands of years have been calling Him.... it means "God with us".

i don't pretend to know what God is up to or His masterful plan in every detail of life (Prov. 19:21, Jer. 10:23, Eccl. 6:10, 11:5, 10:14, Prov. 16:33, Prov. 16:1,9, Prov. 29:30) nor do it know that my pleading will change that plan, nor do i know that what i think is good is what He thinks is good. I do know that....

HE is good. (Rom. 8:28, James 1:16-18, Psalms 106:1-2, Psalms 116:5, Psalm 16:2, Psalm 13:6, Psalm 103:13)

and

HIS plan is good. It is forever with Him... life abundantly (John 10:10, Psalm 37:23-24, Phil. 1:6, Rom. 12:2, Psalm 138:8, 2 Thess 1:11, John 17:3, John 3:16, Rom 6:23)

It is hard to write as i am walking through this valley.... i know there is much i am learning, He is steadfastly showing me... and much i may never understand or see until heaven.

Over a week ago, my sister (my only sibling-one year older than me, also a wife and a beloved home school mom of 4 young children) had an MRI on her brain showing 50 to 60 brain tumors. This is what is predicted for this aggressive type of cancer. She was diagnosed with stage 4 Adenocarcinoma lung cancer over a year and a half ago and it is a miracle that she has done so well this long. Everyday is a miracle! Holly is peaceful and taking each day as gift from God. Her faith and love for her children has always been inspiring but even more so now.

i was thinking this past week that... she will not die... yes, one day she will take her last breath on this earth like all of us.... but then after that last breath she will live... and live abundantly... fully... and forever .....as we were all created to... and we both have longed for....with Jehovah Shammah. What will die will be our plan of the day we think it should be.

We haughtily assume that we have life here on this earth forever... like it is due to us or owed us. If we are healthy, good people, and love the Lord... that we live long....we will see our children grow up and we will see their children grow up. But we don't know the number of our days. Only God does. And life is so short.....Oh the hours and hours i have wasted in this short life.

What if i were to live like i didn't have much time?.... what would i do differently? A lot is the answer.... Lord, help me to see life the way You do... to live for eternity.

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered, how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;  at best, each of us is but a breath.” Psalm 39:4-5

Please do pray for Holly - that HE would extend the days of her life and keep her mind healthy to the end and help her to seize the moments and continue in that peace that passes all understanding. (Phil. 4:7) Pray also for her husband, her 4 children (3 to 13years old), and my parents and grandma.

Holly and her hubby. 

eyes on Him

Can you be in the midst of what He is doing and still be fighting to keep your eyes on Him?

I feel like i am following Him through a thick rain forest and there are constantly vines and leaves falling in front of my face slowing me down, or things i am tripping over. The key is to stay close to Him but i am constantly losing sight of Him.

i remember once many years ago i was out in a field walking with my God talking to Him and listening and i heard foot steps (i know you may think i am crazy) but they weren't my foot steps and i even stopped and they stopped shortly after. I think it was Jesus just telling me He is with me (or I am with Him). I remember rejoicing and resting in the peace and comfort of His presence.

Recently i have not felt as thought i am walking with Him as i did before. I am missing a key element of the "with Him" and i have felt that way for some time now. I started to notice that much of the time i am missing the JOY which is the fruit of the "with Him". So these last few months i have been fervently searching.....

I am trying to grab a hold of HIS hand so HE can help guide me through this think rainforest of life.

These are the things HE has been showing me:

- I have become a Martha. I use to be a Mary and now i am Martha. "But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Jesus and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.”  But the Lord answered and said to her,“Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.” Luck 10:40-42 

- My eyes are on my to do list and not on HIM. I miss Him... the lover of my soul... oh He has not left but i have gotten distracted by the things tugging at me... i have slowed the pace and vines have fallen in front of me. I have felt overwhelmed by the pressures of wifehood and motherhood.  Felt i am failing at all of it. When anyone speaks of things that are experiencing in HIM ... i am jealous... instead of rejoicing with them... i become envious and more discouraged.

- i am full of ugly pride and discontentedness... or down right unthankfulness comes from me. my day has become about what i think i need to do. what i want to do. my agenda.... i have become discontent with so many things.. ungrateful and therefore unable to SEE the beauty that so vastly surrounds me. my eyes have been on me and not on HIM.

- I have to be holding HIS hand to make the next step... i can't see where i am stepping only he can.... there is too many vines and thick brush in the way....When the quicksand of sin is all around me there is nothing to do but reach out for HIS faithful strong HAND.

- When i hold HIS hand i can take the time to look around at the beautiful jungle that surrounds me... the massive trees, the tiny flowers budding on the vine, the soft moss under my feet, the tickle of dew dropping on my face from leaves of above. The beauty of the jungle - this journey of life. And wonder and thankfulness occur.

- Joy comes from HIM (Is. 58:14, John 15:9-11, Acts 2:28, Rom 14:17 and so many more). JOY has the power to make a flower blossom in the desert.... it is the gift of God and the pursuit of the whole world. It is not based on circumstances or human strength.... it is in HIM we find it and when it pours out of us it looks like singing and music(Psalm 84:2,43:4, 47:1,100:1, 98:4,6,8), giving (1 Chron 29:17, Neh 12:43), shouting (Psalm 65:7-9, Is. 42:11, Ezra 3:11-13), and thanksgiving (Psalm 95:2, 126:2). It is contagious and the whole world joins in (Psalm 67:4, Is. 48:20).

i wish i could write you this great testimony that i have grabbed a hold of HIS hand and am filled to the brim with that JOY only HE gives but this is something i am in the midst of... not something i am on the outside of yet and i just felt the freedom to venerability to just write while i am in the midst.