test of trust

God has a tendency of changing my plans frequently. i know He is the Awesome God who created the universe so most of the time i am pretty accepting of His plan and walk down His path for me with trust.

But every now and then He asks me for a plan that i don't want to give up. He asks for something dear and doesn't even tell me why i have to give it up.

i would like to say I just look my creator in the face and say whatever You want...

but this time i have really thrown a fit, fussed, grieved deeply, and then finally just the last few days... i am walking into a place where i am looking my all wise creator in the face saying, "God, i don't understand why You would ask this of me, but i know You, and You do love me and Your plan is always better so yes I chose to trust You."

A few weeks ago 2 very surprising things happened. We received our first referral (picture and information of a child in need of a family to adopt them) and discovered we are pregnant (and i am not talking paper pregnant).

Of course we wanted both miracles but we knew our agency may not want us for this child. You see our agency has set rules about pregnancy and adoption. So of course we were taking the "regular" precautions in order to adopt...but God worked through that less than 1% (nothing can stop His will)and to our surprise there is a precious little one growing.

We didn't know what God was up to, but we knew we needed to try for this precious little one that was referred to us. If we accepted and they would have approved us, it would take about a year and a half for us to get to her). Even if we hadn't received a referral we didn' t want to stop the adoption process. We feel very passionate about growing our family through adpoting a child without a family. Adoption is God's heart, putting the fatherless in families is His passion .. and perhaps He would move mountains for us.

So we fought "adoption style" with around 7 notarized letters stating our desire and capability of showing this child the love and care she so desperately needed even though we were having another child from friends and family. But in the end they said no and we are currently on hold with them.

i know it all seems so selfish...i am sure some would say we should just be grateful for the miracle inside of us...and we are so very much. But our hearts have experienced a great loss...the life outside of us is so very real to us..even if i wouldn't have seen a face, we know we would feel the same.

But the big picture is that God knows, He could have moved the mountains, He still can, but He has a different plan of how and when this child will come to us..and His plans are always better no matter how temporarily painful they are. We know He will provide this little girl with a family. We trust Him with our future adopted children and we do rejoice in this little miracle in my womb due February 2nd. We are excited to meet this little one.