i am passed the half way mark now. i feel this little surprise gift from God swirling around in me all of the time. over all i am feeling great....like the with the boys no nausea, morning sickness, or any of the other popular pregnancy woes.
Deeply... my heart has been aching a lot since we got the news that we had to put the adoption on hold while pregnant. At first i thought it was just pregnancy hormones along with the greif from postponing our adoption. i have been really seeking God to see why my heart aches so.... it is not like they said we can never adopt. Yet at times i find myself in pieces over all of it.
He has been showing me that all of these feeling encompasses much. i have wanted to go somewhere in the world and show His love to people who are in desperate need since i was a little girl. God loves and values everyone not just the people in our reach... all people need to see God's endless love for them. i rejoice in opportunities to show love here...but there is something that i think He put in my heart for the people/children that are out of reach of anyone to show them His great love.
i think a part of the excitement over adopting was that if i could not go and show love to many children in desperate need. i would get to show love to at least one fatherless child that needed to see the endless love that God gives them and how He adores and values them.
When this opportunity was taken away... i felt lost... heartbroken. i still don't know what God is up to but i am seeking Him fervently.
Something that He has been revealing to me (it is a simple lesson that i seem to have to relearn a lot) ... He doesn't need me to do anything. He has a plan to rescue the fatherless. As i put Him first and am in communion with Him then i will know what and how He wants me involved in His plan. He will do the rescuing... i just loving follow and obey and enjoy the experience of communion with Him.
i know there is so much of me that i need to surrender to confess and to run away from...so much ugly sin... i know He will show me day by day how to fully walk and dwell in Him. i wish it would happen quickly but God doesn't work on our time schedule and my sin is too much to overcome in a day or a lifetime for that matter.
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need. Matthew 6:33
I know that one day you will look back on this tapestry and see the amazing masterpiece God has created, everything in HIS perfect timing and all of it woven together beautifully. I pray that God will continue to give your heart peace and rest amongst all the questions and uncertainties.
ReplyDeleteLove ya!
I'm also voting for a girl :) Are you going to find out or have you already?
I "feel" you completely. I have another FB friend whose heart beats like mine (and yours). She is taking a trip with Visiting Orphans. For some reason, I don't think that trip will quench the fire burning in her heart. It will likely simply fan the flames.
ReplyDeletehttp://visitingorphans.org/
I never dreamed I would have two children who were not orphans come into my home. Focusing on the loss the adopted child faces in our classes did not compare to being in the center of the pain (losing a relationship with my brother) while welcoming the children into our family.
Praying for you, Heidi!!! God is the author of the journey and I am excited to see how all the curves in the road culminate into the family God has in mind for you.