good grief

Grief is a never-ending thing when you lose someone you love.

I have dreams often and I wake up and I am overwhelmed because reality is so different.

A dream I had last night....

I had just come to the states and Holly and the girls(Holly's girls and my girls), I think mom was there too, had decided to go yardsale-ing for the baby... We bumped into a big church one (hit the jackpot) holly was always a good yardsaler. I remember seeing the girls faces smiling (Holly's daughters) as they pushed around a cart full of stuff. We kept seeing people we knew and I stop to give them a kiss and a hug ...Sweet sister in-laws, family, and dear friends. Holly and I were hunting down stuff and snickering about things we found at the sale... The girls and I left one room and realized Holly wasn't with us and went back to find her... 

Then I woke up...

At first I remembered how sweet it was to see my friends and sister in laws after such a long time but then it hit me who I was laughing and shopping with..... Who I missed most of all.....

.... Being away is hard.... But the reality is when I get home,the home I have known the longest, I am still missing her. There is no sweet reunion. It will be the hardest thing about coming back....my life long best friend who I have shared every life experience with since birth is missing.

I won't be able to show her my daughter. Or swing and talk together over life. Even though by God's grace and strength Bryant is doing a wonderful job caring for his 4 children... The house seems empty, to me, without her. All I have left of her is a grave and a tree. I know that will be the hardest thing about coming back... because the reality of her being gone is even more real when you are where she should be.

When you lose someone you love.... You are forever changed. I don't know how many times this year I have told Jonathan ... I really am not the same person I once was... It is true....I feel like I am slowly coming back into trusting the Father (hanging my hammock in Him- Bruchko)  .... Though my relationship with Him looks so different than before.

I would like to say that I went through this trial and my faith grew.... But I know it was more like Job's second response.... The one where he is questioning God and wondering where God is in the midst of all of his trials....he says ..."why?" "Where?" "My spirit is broken"

This weekend I spent some time with the sweet lover of my soul and He so tenderly showed me His response to Job in chapter's 38 and 39 - the "where were you when I...." speech.

After that Job is silent.

Then when he does speak he says, "I know that you can do all things and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted... I have uttered what I did not understand- things too wonderful for me. I have heard of You by ear but now my eyes see You... Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes"

I am overwhelmed this weekend ... In Him there is only true contentment.... No one and no thing can ever satisfy. So my soul trusts Him and says....

"May the Lord do what seems good to Him..." 1 Chronicles 19:12-13

"Wherefore let him that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their soul to Him in well doing, as unto the faithful Creator." 1Peter 4:19

And lastly as I think about this little one who constantly feels like she is trying bust out with her kicks and twirls...

"He gives and He takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord!" Job 1:21

We have given her a name.... Adelaide Beth Grooms

Adelaide (pronounced: AH - DUH - LAID) means “Noble and kind” - the name Heidi is derived from it. Beth means “promised to God” or “God is satisfaction” . She is named “Beth” after her aunt, my dear sister, “Holly Beth Mcdaniel”, Holly lived simply and she believed that God was the ultimate satisfaction.  The name has both a bit of Heidi and Holly in it reminding me of our sisterhood. I pray she will be like her aunt one day…. content in whatever God brings.

my baby is turning 3 years old...

As we are nearing Nations 3^rd birthday and I am pregnant with the little one inside. I think more and more of Nations’ birth mother.

Feeling the little one inside me kick, reading how she is already learning my scent. I grieve with Nations the loss of her birth mother, and I grieve with her mother, though I don’t know if she is alive or dead, the loss of the beautiful treasure of Nations. I don’t know the circumstances of why she left her but I know that Nations will always be in her heart… she could never forget.

I love my little African Queen with all my heart. I feel so blessed that I get to be her mother, but I know of the heartache that she will soon experience as she lives a life without the one who brought her into the world the one whose expressions she holds the one she most likely looks like. Sometimes I wonder if I bumped into her birth mother if I would recognize her or maybe she resembles her birth father. You always try to protect your children from sadness and heartache but this one i can't protect her from. 

Here, where we are living, many people ask about her. Adoption is not common here - it is actually not allowed – the children who lose parents or are born out of marriage are institutionalized. Most of the non-believers here assume she is a child from second wife, but when I claim her as mine they don’t understand. I try to explain but it is hard to explain it in the language. I now have resolved to tell them she is just mine and not explain it unless they are close friends… I sense Nations is old enough to listen and I think it confuses her.

She is loved by everyone here, though. She wins them over with her beautiful smile and her friendly nature.  She constantly is talking and says “why?” at least 20 times a day. She is very loving… I see both Perpetua and Nations being strong women… with different focuses. I can see Nations will be that girl that has many friends and will never know a stranger. I think she truly cares for people even so little. Currently she is very concerned about mommy’s recent boo boo and is checking on me constantly.

She also does everything that Petcha does and copies what she says. 

As I write this now… she snuggles in bed with me playing with a few cars acting out some story with the cover over her head. She loves being close to me… she is the one that gets up now and runs to our bed in the morning to snuggle… sometimes a little too early for mommy….

On a side note - Praise the LORD! We have both of them in underwear now… it is like potty training twins… I think I have literally been handling other people’s poo for over 8 years now… something you don’t think about when you think about what it takes to be a parent. J  BUT is does come with the job.

I remember longing for a little brown eyed baby through adoption… and now as I stare into her deep brown eyes I feel so honored and happy to get to be the mommy of this little remarkable lady who consequently just fell asleep beside me.

Lord teach me to seize the day with these little ones of Yours that You have given into my care.