Grief is a never-ending thing when you lose someone you love.
I have dreams often and I wake up and I am overwhelmed because reality is so different.
A dream I had last night....
I had just come to the states and Holly and the girls(Holly's girls and my girls), I think mom was there too, had decided to go yardsale-ing for the baby... We bumped into a big church one (hit the jackpot) holly was always a good yardsaler. I remember seeing the girls faces smiling (Holly's daughters) as they pushed around a cart full of stuff. We kept seeing people we knew and I stop to give them a kiss and a hug ...Sweet sister in-laws, family, and dear friends. Holly and I were hunting down stuff and snickering about things we found at the sale... The girls and I left one room and realized Holly wasn't with us and went back to find her...
Then I woke up...
At first I remembered how sweet it was to see my friends and sister in laws after such a long time but then it hit me who I was laughing and shopping with..... Who I missed most of all.....
.... Being away is hard.... But the reality is when I get home,the home I have known the longest, I am still missing her. There is no sweet reunion. It will be the hardest thing about coming back....my life long best friend who I have shared every life experience with since birth is missing.
I won't be able to show her my daughter. Or swing and talk together over life. Even though by God's grace and strength Bryant is doing a wonderful job caring for his 4 children... The house seems empty, to me, without her. All I have left of her is a grave and a tree. I know that will be the hardest thing about coming back... because the reality of her being gone is even more real when you are where she should be.
When you lose someone you love.... You are forever changed. I don't know how many times this year I have told Jonathan ... I really am not the same person I once was... It is true....I feel like I am slowly coming back into trusting the Father (hanging my hammock in Him- Bruchko) .... Though my relationship with Him looks so different than before.
I would like to say that I went through this trial and my faith grew.... But I know it was more like Job's second response.... The one where he is questioning God and wondering where God is in the midst of all of his trials....he says ..."why?" "Where?" "My spirit is broken"
This weekend I spent some time with the sweet lover of my soul and He so tenderly showed me His response to Job in chapter's 38 and 39 - the "where were you when I...." speech.
After that Job is silent.
Then when he does speak he says, "I know that you can do all things and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted... I have uttered what I did not understand- things too wonderful for me. I have heard of You by ear but now my eyes see You... Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes"
I am overwhelmed this weekend ... In Him there is only true contentment.... No one and no thing can ever satisfy. So my soul trusts Him and says....
"May the Lord do what seems good to Him..." 1 Chronicles 19:12-13
"Wherefore let him that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their soul to Him in well doing, as unto the faithful Creator." 1Peter 4:19
And lastly as I think about this little one who constantly feels like she is trying bust out with her kicks and twirls...
"He gives and He takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord!" Job 1:21
We have given her a name.... Adelaide Beth Grooms
Adelaide (pronounced: AH - DUH - LAID) means “Noble and kind” - the name Heidi is derived from it. Beth means “promised to God” or “God is satisfaction” . She is named “Beth” after her aunt, my dear sister, “Holly Beth Mcdaniel”, Holly lived simply and she believed that God was the ultimate satisfaction. The name has both a bit of Heidi and Holly in it reminding me of our sisterhood. I pray she will be like her aunt one day…. content in whatever God brings.