joy in today

In a matter of days i will see these beautiful eyes and be face to face with my daughter. i feel overwhelmed! Adoption has been on our hearts since we were children and we have been in the process of adoption for over 4 years. We have been praying for her since before she was born. Still i don't think i will believe any of this is real until after the court date or maybe even till we bring her home. i feel so undeservedly blessed by my God.

This time we will get to see her and have a court date but sadly .. and it is going to be sooooo hard... we will have to leave her there and wait another 4 to 6 weeks before we get go and pick her up and bring her home.

i am feeling everything this week... openly.... i had been in quite a sad pit or temper tantrum with my Father (the Almighty God) when i got the call that we were traveling. This news did perk me up tremendously. :)

But still there is a part of that is heavy and aching.... my sister is doing exceptionally well considering. Her mind is very clear and she hasn't had any major side effects from the whole brain radiation.  i am thankful for everyday with her and i see him extending her days... which is wonderful and an answer to prayer again!

The hard part is - i step toward the future (with the wonderful new little one in our home soon) and all Holly is allowed today. Part of me feels like it is unfair (i.e. - temper tantrum with God). Holly would have had 10 kids! She should be coming home from the hospital with baby number 5 not 60 tumors in the brain. i keep wanting this to go away... and maybe God will still do that. Who knows... i am asking HIM.

But as day by day goes on... i think i am seeing something.

Slight suffering is something i have kinda signed up for. i will hike the painful mountain, i will do natural childbirth, i will set aside modern conveniences and do it the hard way, even adoption is hard - and their are sufferings to come that our daughter and we will go through.

BUT i know with suffering comes wisdom, growth, and a reality of life  - that is something i want. Every time i hear a persecuted Christian talk or a missionary share -  i see something in them... something i want -it is as if they have died a little more to themselves...and as if Jesus is living more in them. As if they are filled more with HIM. Less of them more of Him.

To live is Christ and to die is gain. Phil. 1:21

i am seeing someone i love dearly die a little more to herself, her dreams of a bigger family, her dreams of seeing her children grow up and marry and seeing their children, even her hair, and her sleep is gone. i have dreamed with her all of my life. And now she doesn't get to anymore, not like we use to anyway.

She is dying to herself more daily but somehow her contentment with today is stronger. Despite her fatigue she is still homeschooling her kids... she is still getting up and doing things... she is still living... and fulling living, and happy and thankful for today. He is giving her Joy during the trial. I see Jesus more in her.

Suffering can be beautiful. Temper tantrums are not so beautiful.

God, help me to be content with your wonderful blessings of today, as Holly is, and joy in YOU through the sufferings and the blessings. 

life, it is but a breath

it has kind of been the most motivating verse for me over the years along with.. "To live is Christ and to die is gain." Phil. 1:21 

The beauty of life, though temporary it is, it doesn't end with your last breath. That is when it all begins - in a more amazing out of this world way than we can ever imagine.

i am in the midst of something unlike anything i have experienced. The most wonderful part of this "valley" is that my family and i are not alone. God has been showing me that HE is "Jehovah Shammah" as generations of His children over thousands of years have been calling Him.... it means "God with us".

i don't pretend to know what God is up to or His masterful plan in every detail of life (Prov. 19:21, Jer. 10:23, Eccl. 6:10, 11:5, 10:14, Prov. 16:33, Prov. 16:1,9, Prov. 29:30) nor do it know that my pleading will change that plan, nor do i know that what i think is good is what He thinks is good. I do know that....

HE is good. (Rom. 8:28, James 1:16-18, Psalms 106:1-2, Psalms 116:5, Psalm 16:2, Psalm 13:6, Psalm 103:13)

and

HIS plan is good. It is forever with Him... life abundantly (John 10:10, Psalm 37:23-24, Phil. 1:6, Rom. 12:2, Psalm 138:8, 2 Thess 1:11, John 17:3, John 3:16, Rom 6:23)

It is hard to write as i am walking through this valley.... i know there is much i am learning, He is steadfastly showing me... and much i may never understand or see until heaven.

Over a week ago, my sister (my only sibling-one year older than me, also a wife and a beloved home school mom of 4 young children) had an MRI on her brain showing 50 to 60 brain tumors. This is what is predicted for this aggressive type of cancer. She was diagnosed with stage 4 Adenocarcinoma lung cancer over a year and a half ago and it is a miracle that she has done so well this long. Everyday is a miracle! Holly is peaceful and taking each day as gift from God. Her faith and love for her children has always been inspiring but even more so now.

i was thinking this past week that... she will not die... yes, one day she will take her last breath on this earth like all of us.... but then after that last breath she will live... and live abundantly... fully... and forever .....as we were all created to... and we both have longed for....with Jehovah Shammah. What will die will be our plan of the day we think it should be.

We haughtily assume that we have life here on this earth forever... like it is due to us or owed us. If we are healthy, good people, and love the Lord... that we live long....we will see our children grow up and we will see their children grow up. But we don't know the number of our days. Only God does. And life is so short.....Oh the hours and hours i have wasted in this short life.

What if i were to live like i didn't have much time?.... what would i do differently? A lot is the answer.... Lord, help me to see life the way You do... to live for eternity.

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered, how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you;  at best, each of us is but a breath.” Psalm 39:4-5

Please do pray for Holly - that HE would extend the days of her life and keep her mind healthy to the end and help her to seize the moments and continue in that peace that passes all understanding. (Phil. 4:7) Pray also for her husband, her 4 children (3 to 13years old), and my parents and grandma.

Holly and her hubby.