In a matter of days i will see these beautiful eyes and be face to face with my daughter. i feel overwhelmed! Adoption has been on our hearts since we were children and we have been in the process of adoption for over 4 years. We have been praying for her since before she was born. Still i don't think i will believe any of this is real until after the court date or maybe even till we bring her home. i feel so undeservedly blessed by my God.
This time we will get to see her and have a court date but sadly .. and it is going to be sooooo hard... we will have to leave her there and wait another 4 to 6 weeks before we get go and pick her up and bring her home.
i am feeling everything this week... openly.... i had been in quite a sad pit or temper tantrum with my Father (the Almighty God) when i got the call that we were traveling. This news did perk me up tremendously. :)
But still there is a part of that is heavy and aching.... my sister is doing exceptionally well considering. Her mind is very clear and she hasn't had any major side effects from the whole brain radiation. i am thankful for everyday with her and i see him extending her days... which is wonderful and an answer to prayer again!
The hard part is - i step toward the future (with the wonderful new little one in our home soon) and all Holly is allowed today. Part of me feels like it is unfair (i.e. - temper tantrum with God). Holly would have had 10 kids! She should be coming home from the hospital with baby number 5 not 60 tumors in the brain. i keep wanting this to go away... and maybe God will still do that. Who knows... i am asking HIM.
But as day by day goes on... i think i am seeing something.
Slight suffering is something i have kinda signed up for. i will hike the painful mountain, i will do natural childbirth, i will set aside modern conveniences and do it the hard way, even adoption is hard - and their are sufferings to come that our daughter and we will go through.
BUT i know with suffering comes wisdom, growth, and a reality of life - that is something i want. Every time i hear a persecuted Christian talk or a missionary share - i see something in them... something i want -it is as if they have died a little more to themselves...and as if Jesus is living more in them. As if they are filled more with HIM. Less of them more of Him.
To live is Christ and to die is gain. Phil. 1:21
i am seeing someone i love dearly die a little more to herself, her dreams of a bigger family, her dreams of seeing her children grow up and marry and seeing their children, even her hair, and her sleep is gone. i have dreamed with her all of my life. And now she doesn't get to anymore, not like we use to anyway.
She is dying to herself more daily but somehow her contentment with today is stronger. Despite her fatigue she is still homeschooling her kids... she is still getting up and doing things... she is still living... and fulling living, and happy and thankful for today. He is giving her Joy during the trial. I see Jesus more in her.
Suffering can be beautiful. Temper tantrums are not so beautiful.
God, help me to be content with your wonderful blessings of today, as Holly is, and joy in YOU through the sufferings and the blessings.