Wednesday, May 13, 2015

i don't know what to do....

Today would have been Holly’s 38th birthday. I have celebrated 37 of them and I am a little at loss of what to do today. The things I would want to do I can’t do…

If I could do anything this week… i would go to her house let our kids play together and talk with my dear sister.

 Because that isn’t possible…..I thought I would write.

I have been ....grieving Holly's loss of being with her children and husband, i have been grieving the children's loss of Holly as a mother, the loss Bryant has of his life mate, the loss my parents have of a beloved daughter... and recently i have been grieving my loss...

Holly is the reason I really stopped writing this blog…. It is where I normally share what is going on in my heart but my heart was going through so much watching my life best friend go through so much and I knew I couldn’t write it all… knowing she would see it out there, knowing she was going through so much herself, not wanting her to see my grief and thoughts too and have to deal with them as well as so many of her own.

I remember when I was 7 there was this big boy in the neighborhood picking on Holly after the school bus dropped us off. I went right up to him and pushed him and said you don’t say that about my sister. He laughed picked me up and threw me on the ground … it knocked all the wind out of me. Then he ran because Holly ran up the hill to tell mom. 

We were always together, even though she was a year older we grew up in the same grade.

We shared secrets, there was not too much she held from me… even as we got older.

There was this dip in the driveway at the house we lived at when we were teens. It overlooked the lake in front of our house. Whenever something hard, big, or we just had secret to share we’d say, “meet you at the dip at [ time].” And we would go and talk… I remember being out there in the cold with a blanket, or sometimes sharing a coat together, and the cool summer evening nights we’d sit there and talk and listen to the frogs chirp.


As we got older every week or two I would stop by and the kids would play and we would walk and talk and share life.

When Holly got sick, it was harder for her to share. The kids were always right there… with her… trying to hear what they could hear. It was hard to talk deep. One time she pulled me into Bryant and her closest and talked with me for a few minutes… she said she wished we had our dip to sit in and talk.

Last year when she got sicker she couldn’t talk at all. Her hearing was leaving her.  I began to love the hospital times because I got to be alone with her for a little bit even though she slept most of the time it was nice just being close.

Holly and I were only a year a part… watching someone I have shared my whole life with die was hard to say the least….. it seemed she couldn’t be finished yet. She hadn’t seen her kids grow up yet or even finish teaching them all how to go potty, or tie their shoes, she hadn’t been there for their first boy-girl relationship, or seen them graduate even. She didn’t get to be there at their wedding, or to hold her first grandchild. She didn’t get to finish what was started….

We prayed for a miracle and I really expected God to give her more time… I kept thinking of Hezekiah’s 14 more years.

Holly’s death has changed me…. Forever…

I am not the same person. I think it has changed me for the better though.

I use to always see the future/envision it… now…. I only know the next step and sometimes not even that. There is a contentment in today now that i haven't had before. People have asked us how long will we be living in the middle east…. the way I want to answer….

“How in the world am I suppose to know a thing like that, I don’t even know if I have tomorrow…. None of us do.” 

The truth is only God knows our tomorrows.

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand” Prov. 19:21

Holly was young, healthy, beautiful wife, mother, daughter, friend, and sister. She was fulfilling her life purpose. She longed for more children. But she took God’s bidding with trust and grace…. Not that it wasn’t hard. In her last 2 and half years of life she had to grieve the loss of everyone she loved and in the last 7 months before her death she watched and felt her body pass away.

Now she is happy beyond description. I miss her dearly, but I know that she is experiencing what we were all created to experience.. the presence of God without the sin of our flesh. True freedom.

I know we will see her soon. Life is just a breath and is zipping by now even as you read this…. And I re- read it again to realize my grammar mistakes.

Carpe Diem – Seize the Day….  Means something different to me now.

Holly taught me how to drive safely, how to be a wife, how to be a mother, and now how to live and die with peace.

Every time my eyes swell up with tears because I miss her so much …. Peace floods me in that I will see her soon and life is but a breath.

I trust my Father God not because He gives me what I want but because His way is best and He is faithful and His plans are bigger than I can even imagine.

I am so thankful for Holly. It is hard not sharing the rest of this life with her…and I feel like I am missing half my past too (she remembered everything), but I am thankful God gave us such a precious gift to teach us all. Though her companionship is gone… she is still teaching me….

….mainly to Trust the Lord.


  1. Beautiful Heidi!

  2. Heidi--your precious words and heart--so glad to read them in this space again. The Lord brought you to mind and he's so good to do so at this time. I now remember your loss afresh and will be praying for you and your family. Much love you to all.