surreal

...could describe this weekend. I am still overwhelmed with wonder, GOD is so amazing!

This overwhelmed feeling has something to do with this precious hand....

There is a life long lesson that I am always having to relearn and relearn. The dying to self one. It seems like I am always holding on to something.  Sometimes it is a good thing that I am holding on to.... Something that is good in the eyes of God. But the thing is God doesn't want us to hold on to things..... He wants us to hold on to HIM. Let HIM be boss... not like He isn't if we say He is not...cause He is always in control... but there is a trusting HIM... a complete surrender that He requires of us. In that trusting and surrender... we grow closer to HIM...which is HIS purpose for it all.

Confessions of silly, sinful heart:

I use to strategize on ways to reach the world for God to tell everyone about His love (like He needed help from me). I would think up great ideas on what might work. "What if we got everyone to do this and this or that...then everyone in your world would know about YOUR great love." But God begin to show me that he didn't need my help in reach His world. surprise (sarcasm here)  He already had a plan. A PERFECT one. And I could join Him in HIS big and wondrous plan or sit around and think of own lame ideas. I didn't need to get others to do what they were suppose to......that is the Holy Spirit's job not mine. BOY did that bring relief when by His grace I let go of planning and just starting obeying the planner. He is still working on me in this area. But when i surrendered is when He let me be a part of what HE is doing through GPPD. Very cool.

It was that way with my hubby...I thought i could make myself a good match.... He showed me i am not good at it and i needed to trust Him... years pass... I thought for sure I was going to be a single showing God's great love somewhere in the world....then He brought Jonathan.

It was that way with birthing children..... we had 2 miscarriages and I told HIM whether or not He let me birth children He was God and His plan was better... I relinquished my "rights?" to have children. Then he brought Elijah...Jeriah ....and Perpetua. WOW.


NOTICE the theme here: Hold on to something -realize it is dumb to hold on those things (through His patience in showing me - usually by taking that thing completely away) then I let go and surrender that thing (putting it in His court to do whatever He wants to do with it) TRUSTING HIM - MAKING HIM BOSS which brings me closer to HIM-then God does something even grander which is mostly bring me closer to HIM.

OKAY......

It was that way with adoption too.... The door shut on adopting around 2 year ago for us we had been in the process for almost 2 years already.... some paper work was messed up - slowed us down, stuff with Ethiopia changed - put us on hold and possibly not be able to adopt from there,  then we found out we were preggos and our agency put us on hold.  It seemed like HE shut the door. I knew HE could change it... if HE wanted us to adopt a child HE could bring a child to our door. NOTHING is impossibly for HIM.

I threw my tempertantrum ...."why God?!! aren't we suppose to care for the orphans? You say it right there in Your word!!??"- like He needed to be reminded of what He said. So much yukky pride... and what a merciful GOD.

I wanted to adopt so bad. It was like HE was saying "GIVE ME this TOO, HEIDI" I didn't want to... i have wanted to adopt ever since i was a child....  but finally i did... i said "okay if we never adopt... "YOU are GOD and your plans are good. YOU care for the fatherless YOU don't need me.  I TRUST YOU. I SURRENDER by your grace." He helped me to let go.

We had put money financially in this so when the time came that our agency gave the okay to update things. We said we should be a good steward and continue the process... if a child didn't come from this...then we know HE has another plan.

I gave up. Sure i would love to adopt... it is the very heart of God...it is something i have always wanted... dreamed of.... but i was okay if HE said no to us and used others to. Not to say i wasn't utterly jealous of every dear friend that scooped up an orphaned child or cry bunches of tears for the fatherless we passed in India. I could adopt 50 or more if God would will it. BUT I had let HIM make that decision. I trusted HIM.

The utter shock came Friday.

i flooded tears over and over again.... i keep asking God "are you sure?"... so overwhelmed so humbled that He would chose me to mother this precious little one. He knows i don't deserve this... yet out of great love He gives this beautiful gift.

A girl. 5 months old. With skin so perfectly chocolate and big beautiful brown eyes. She took my breath away.

And Friday night when i kissed my children in my home touched there sweet cheeks....i thought of my little one far away yearning to touch and hold her and tell her "mommy is here"... but again... giving her back to HIM trust HIM to care for her until the day we meet...hopefully before the end of this year.

I feel so thankful to HIM her creator that choose us .... miles and miles away to be her mother.... so humbled. I feel in awe ....that every life is valuable to the creator. Even the billions of people i have never met... He knows them each by name. The number of every hair on their head. He knows and loves them. WOW.

I can't show her picture online so sorry all you get is a glimpse of her precious little hand. Please pray that everything goes as He wills it and that she feels HIS arms holding her.