My little Nations Hope has been with us for 6 months now. It is hard to remember what life was like before she came and it feels like so much longer… truly she has been in our hearts since before she was born.
Her transition has been much easier than I ever expected. She instantly knew I was mommy and bonded right of the bat. Daddy took a little getting use to which was hard on daddy.
Jonathan was really looking forward to her homecoming so when the instant bond wasn’t there it was hard….. but slowly she has now come to enjoy and look forward to daddy’s affection. The other day he came home from work and she was so elated to see him she clung to his legs for a good minute or two with a big smile.
Also another great thing that I am going to miss when daddy starts to travel this fall.. is that she listens to everything he says. I try to correct or give direction and she just continues to fuss with me… but if daddy says, “no” or “do this or that…” she follow suit immediately. I really do think she is going to end up being a daddy’s girl.
Petcha and her are buddies…. their little personalities mesh so well together and part of me thinks it is because we have Perpetua that she has so quickly bonded with our whole family. She loves her sister…. now don’t get me wrong….. they are full on sisters just like any birth sisters… if Petcha takes her doll away or Nations bats her hands at Petcha… there will be a good sisterly spat. But most of the time they are sweet on each other… and follow each other around everywhere. Petcha is always elated when Nations wakes up from nap... and dances to room yelling, “YAY, Nations is awake!!!”
Every day watching them play and chat…. I really know more and more that God chose us for her and her for us. There is something greater for this divine union of these two little women. Only time will tell…. But I am excited to see it unfold.
I am getting to know her more. She loves outside, whether it is sitting in a creek or playing in the leaves, she wants to be outside. Also, she is a little artist. She really enjoys painting, coloring, and drawing. In fact I have a unique one of her recent pieces on the door that I just painted over. And I can see she is compassionate … caring for others, sensitive to others feelings. I love watching her play, laugh, and dance.
There IS still something there…. something that won’t let her heart trust us completely. I know time and endless love are the answers for that. And I feel that one day she will be there… her little heart will be free and she will love and accept us. She will let herself be ingrained in our family fully.
Is she all mine? … I feel …yes and no…in my mind I think about her birth mother often. I wonder if she is alive and I pray for her. In a perfect world… things would have been different. But I see God has taken this broken part of Nations’ story and is putting it back on the potter’s wheel. With water and some pushing and molding it He is making it into something new and beautiful. I pray that for her birth mother too and I do hope that Nations will get to meet her one day if not on this earth.... we hope for eternity.
We protect our little ones from suffering as moms. My heart aches that I couldn’t do it for her…that I wasn’t there the moment her birth mother laid her down. That I wasn’t there to pick her up and nurse her as she cried that first night and so many after. That so many months passed without a mommy paying attention or recording and relishing in her beautiful smile. Without a mommy to touch her to kiss her booboos or to cuddle and to care. I am thankful to the many faces that did show her love that I know God provided for her over those months… just wish it could have been me.
I look into her deep beautiful brown eyes and am soo thankful God chose me… I am so thankful that I get to be a part of her new story.