eyes on Him

Can you be in the midst of what He is doing and still be fighting to keep your eyes on Him?

I feel like i am following Him through a thick rain forest and there are constantly vines and leaves falling in front of my face slowing me down, or things i am tripping over. The key is to stay close to Him but i am constantly losing sight of Him.

i remember once many years ago i was out in a field walking with my God talking to Him and listening and i heard foot steps (i know you may think i am crazy) but they weren't my foot steps and i even stopped and they stopped shortly after. I think it was Jesus just telling me He is with me (or I am with Him). I remember rejoicing and resting in the peace and comfort of His presence.

Recently i have not felt as thought i am walking with Him as i did before. I am missing a key element of the "with Him" and i have felt that way for some time now. I started to notice that much of the time i am missing the JOY which is the fruit of the "with Him". So these last few months i have been fervently searching.....

I am trying to grab a hold of HIS hand so HE can help guide me through this think rainforest of life.

These are the things HE has been showing me:

- I have become a Martha. I use to be a Mary and now i am Martha. "But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Jesus and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.”  But the Lord answered and said to her,“Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.” Luck 10:40-42 

- My eyes are on my to do list and not on HIM. I miss Him... the lover of my soul... oh He has not left but i have gotten distracted by the things tugging at me... i have slowed the pace and vines have fallen in front of me. I have felt overwhelmed by the pressures of wifehood and motherhood.  Felt i am failing at all of it. When anyone speaks of things that are experiencing in HIM ... i am jealous... instead of rejoicing with them... i become envious and more discouraged.

- i am full of ugly pride and discontentedness... or down right unthankfulness comes from me. my day has become about what i think i need to do. what i want to do. my agenda.... i have become discontent with so many things.. ungrateful and therefore unable to SEE the beauty that so vastly surrounds me. my eyes have been on me and not on HIM.

- I have to be holding HIS hand to make the next step... i can't see where i am stepping only he can.... there is too many vines and thick brush in the way....When the quicksand of sin is all around me there is nothing to do but reach out for HIS faithful strong HAND.

- When i hold HIS hand i can take the time to look around at the beautiful jungle that surrounds me... the massive trees, the tiny flowers budding on the vine, the soft moss under my feet, the tickle of dew dropping on my face from leaves of above. The beauty of the jungle - this journey of life. And wonder and thankfulness occur.

- Joy comes from HIM (Is. 58:14, John 15:9-11, Acts 2:28, Rom 14:17 and so many more). JOY has the power to make a flower blossom in the desert.... it is the gift of God and the pursuit of the whole world. It is not based on circumstances or human strength.... it is in HIM we find it and when it pours out of us it looks like singing and music(Psalm 84:2,43:4, 47:1,100:1, 98:4,6,8), giving (1 Chron 29:17, Neh 12:43), shouting (Psalm 65:7-9, Is. 42:11, Ezra 3:11-13), and thanksgiving (Psalm 95:2, 126:2). It is contagious and the whole world joins in (Psalm 67:4, Is. 48:20).

i wish i could write you this great testimony that i have grabbed a hold of HIS hand and am filled to the brim with that JOY only HE gives but this is something i am in the midst of... not something i am on the outside of yet and i just felt the freedom to venerability to just write while i am in the midst.